Disturbed Mind

Hehehe...now you see, I am in the 'jiwa kacau' mode, indeed. I kept my blog in 'private' account and now I withdraw it. Sometime I felt that I am totally insane with unexplainable reasons.

I don't want to write about my Phd works because there's no progress, zero. Besides, it makes my mood going upside down. All I can say is I can picture myself, pick up an extend form at the office, fill in and submit it, struggle with this work for another a year. Do I feel regret? At this stage, I don't have an answer.

I had enough to talk about friendship. People come and go, that's the fact. I must carry on with my life and family. One thing for sure, when you start expecting your friend to care about you, then you must be ready to accept that not all your friends are like your husband.A husband who accept who you are and coax you, when you feel at the bottom of your life.These days, my body and mind are really exhausted because........WE ARE MOVING!!!! at last....

Dining room

Stairs

Bedroom
courtesy from Dedek's blog

Buying a new house is not in my Phd plan. Yes, my based is in Penang, then why I buy a house in Shah Alam???? It happened spontaneously when one day I said to my husband 'let's buy a house because my surgery scar is always in pain everytime I hold Iman to send and return from her nursery', hence the house haunting began. The house price in Shah Alam is unreasonable, where the second hand house's is over RM 300k, not to mention a new house! Knowing that I only entitled RM320k for the government loan, we have to forget to buy a new house, so we opt for a second hand. Now, we are still in the documentation stage, and believed me, this process really make your body's temperature high. While waiting for the process finish, we rent the house. I hope the process will go smoothly, Insyaallah.

We are BANKRUPT!!!..:)))) we don't really mind as long as this little cute girl is happy....

The journey begins

The number shown in my weigh scale really makes me upset. It's kind of a wake up call in the morning, asked me to do something about this. Well, let's see what's an options that I have for a women who went through a Cesarean surgery.

1. Jogging
   
2. Swimming
3. Cycling
4. Walking
5. Gentle sit-up

For now, I just start with a power walking through a Kathy Smith's exercise dvd. After a long time since my last exercise, which was last year, this routine was quite difficult. Every parts of my body was aching,not to mentioned, the low stamina. The operation's scar sometime felt like a knife's cut, especially when I was worked out with a tummy part.

Reduce weight and to get a flat tummy were not easy as an ABC,no short cut. I done it before, surely, I can do it again, insyaallah

Best Friend Forever

Have you ever feel isolated from friends? Are you feeling sad when there are three persons in one room, suddenly you feel that two of your friends are talking behind your back???like you are uninvited?? In my case, the answer is yes, yes and yes.

Maybe most of you will said "come on, that's life". Well if by making one of your friend feels isolated means life, then I will said, life is not fair. Everywhere I go, people keep saying about how close they are with their friends, sharing the good and sad story together and life full of happiness because of friends. Then, when your friends talking bad about you, how do you feel? Do you still say, we are best friend forever....?? Well, have some dignity, walk away!

There's an incident that really change my perception about best friend forever. When three persons in one situation, one of them surely feel isolated....That's was what happened recently when I visited my friend. I don't blame them since they are a very good friend. After walked out, I promised to myself..when there are three persons in the one room, I will choose to leave. There's no way for me to feel like 'she-is -not-knowing-my-secret' person....

Inverted airfoil!!

Oh Iman Najibah, org secantik nama, cantik luar, cantik dalam, cantik mcm mama:)

I came to faculty with a heart full of determination. I want to run an experiment today, yeay! My objective was to write a journal (as if!) after complete the analysis of this experiment. So far I managed to obtain result from one of my canards models. I have 3 more experiments ( 1 model takes about 2 weeks, I have about 12 models, u do math!) for stage 1 design, 2 stages (6 models) to go, not to mention about the simulations!!!! sigh:(

I went to wind tunnel lab, took the scaled a/c and put on a canard. After that, I sensed something was wrong,OMG 2x..the canard model was in a wrong dimension..er..shapes (the upper surface of the wing turn out to be at the lower surface).This is not a NACA 2412 airfoil shape, but 'inverted' NACA 2412, bengong!! How could I missed this error when I took it from the technician last week??? I felt upset, didn't know whether it was my mistake or the technician's.

I opened my drawing folder and checked. Nothing wrong with my drawing,so it must be his mistakes. I knew it! After a short discussion with him, he agreed to fix the problem by saying this "saya akan buat balik, tapi tak tau bila, jgn push saya"..I felt like I want to slap across his face , "do you know who you are talking to? I am a lecturer of this university!!!" my heart said, sounds like an arrogant woman but I can't bear it anymore. But again, reality hits, I am only a student here, with zero knowledge abt CNC machine. Duhai hati bersabar lah...

I must find an alternatives. So,anyone who has a friends who are expert in fabricate an airfoil, pls contact me..Right now I am thinking about filling an 'extend form'...

Am i too emotional?

Yesterday, when I took out clothes from washing machine after did my laundry, my heart felt like it has been cut into pieces .OMG, who put my Ariani tudung into washing machine?? (u know who)....Suddenly my face turn red and eyes filled with tears.

I asked him why he put that tudung into washing machine? He just said "oh, tak boleh ke?"...after hung it to dry, I ran to my room and cried. It sounds like a child right? but I can't take it anymore!!

I don't know why I got too emotional, but seriously, I love that tudung. He bought me that tudung for Mother's Day as a present. That time, I felt so happy because I can't afford to buy it using my own money.

Last night, i cried all night long. I wear panda eyes and don't have a heart to talk to him today..I know this is not a right manner toward your husband but I am only human. There's a time when you feel like your spouse is not caring to you anymore. That's what i feel now.....Allah, please forgive me.

I write what is in my head...

Oh Iman Najibah...org secantik nama

It's been too long since my last entry....Every time i want to write, the guilty feeling of being not- concentrate- on- my- study keep nagging at the back of my head. From that point...I stop writing, ignore my blog and concentrated on my study....life goes as I've planned...

But here I am ..writing...I don't know what I want to write..I just keep on writing..

Too many things happened, some of them I can managed properly, and some of them required me to sit down, think and pray...from that, I'll see what the future will offers me...

I don't know when my Phd journey will find its "FINISH" signboard. Everyday, I went to my faculty, doing the same things repeatedly until I get bored. After that, I drive back home, picked up my daughter from nursery. Seeing her smile makes my heart alive.When i reached home, there is my husband waiting for me. He lends me his ears,listened my problems without saying any words. I feel like I want to quit. It's not because Phd is something IMPOSSIBLE..but it is because of my own attitude. I don't have what every Phd students has..DETERMINATION. I am PESSIMISTIC. I am really behind schedule...."go, and write what's in your head" my husband finally said.

Please forgive my poor grammar..as I am not an English teacher or living in the foreign country..I just write what is in my head....

Update

Dah lama aku x update blog....sibuk..terlampau sibuk

Baru 2 minggu aku masuk fakulti semula. Byk benda yg perlu aku review semula. Baru aku perasan, sejak delivered ni, byk benda yg aku terhilang ingatan. Rasanya mcm aku behind schedule, tp bila duduk2 buat plan balik,masih on track, alhamdulillah. Cuma skg terpulang kat aku, rajin ke tak.

Sejak start masuk fac ni, Iman Najibah aku hantar ke nursery. Agak haru gak memula bila dia takmau susu tru bottle. Agak byk gak la puting yg di coba, x mau gak. Berkat doa aku, abah dan wan dia...akhirnya dia nak gak...alhamdulillah. Isu ttg penjagaan anak ni agak kontroversi gak. Ramai yg ckp.."sian, kecik2 lagi dah hantar ke nurseri, tu la mak bapak skg"....mcm aku nak cili2 kan je mulut org itu. Napa dia tak offer je jaga anak aku selain dr bg komen mcm tu...byk cakap pulak.Dah la...klu dgr ckp org, alamatnyer phd aku ni..tak payah buat la...duduk je rumah jaga anak.

Ttg susu plak, alhamdulillah iman masih minum breast milk. At one time, aku pernah gak nk bg dia formula milk. Tapi ramai yg tak advise. So aku pon teruskan gak bg iman breast milk eventho susu aku bukan byk sgt pon.....aku selalu risau takut x cukup, tp kakak aku ckp, jgn pikir cukup ke tak, kita pon bukan tau baby tu dpt susu cukup ke tak...so teruskan je la.....harap2 aku dpt exclusive breastfeeding iman sam[ai umur dia 6 bln, insyaallah.

Berat badan aku masih belum ke angka asal. Part ni, aku takmau la terikut2 kawan yg bersungguh2 diet, sbb aku operate. Takpelah slow2 kan...tp sebenarnya rimas gak sbb payah nk pakai baju yg mantop2....hehheheeh..oh yer..ajam aku lepas ni, utk lebih menotop aurat..insyaallah.